I dread the day when my stepchildren decide I am not real. There is a small, insecure part of my heart that knows that there will come a day when my stepson glares at me and says "I don't have to listen to you. You're not my real mom." Or, when the cherub-cheeked stepdaughter rolls her eyes and tunes me out on the basis of lack of shared DNA.
I pray it never happens, but odds are good that it will. Every moment of our life together so far has been spent creating a relationship that can survive the moment when I cease to be real. Here are a few ideas for developing a strong bond with your stepchildren, so when the day comes that you are no longer real you are able to seek out the road to redeeming your relationship.
Respect your stepchildren
Your stepchildren will chafe against interloping, especially if they feel you have usurped their status in the family. In my case, both children felt that I was moving in on their territory. They were absolutely right, as their time with their father suddenly included a woman who they didn't know or have a relationship with.
In order to maintain their comfort and preserve my precarious new position, it was necessary to make sure they were included in decisions and to ask their opinions. While a biological parent may say "because I said so" without impending doom, a stepparent can rarely get away with this response, and it will be seen as an act of hostility by a young person who may already be uncertain of the situation. Many adults feel that children will "get over it" if they are feeling put out or unhappy with the things around them, but realistically those feelings don't go away and they can resurface later to wreak havoc on your relationship progress.
Listen to what your stepchildren say … and don't say
Many children have a sense of not being listened to by adults. This feeling can be even more intense in stepchildren who feel that they have no defined place in the new family dynamic. As a stepparent, when you try to implement changes or new rules with your partner, it is important to sit down and discuss these changes with the children so that they do not feel like the new girl in the family is calling all the shots.
Lack of eye contact, mumbling responses, or outright hostility are all clues that the child is feeling uncomfortable or angry about changes. Be willing to draw a response out by using suggestions. For example, "You're not looking at me right now, so I feel like you're upset about this. Is that true?" or "You don't look happy with these rules. Do you have a suggestion on how we can make it better?" The response may not be what you want to hear, but chances are good it will be honest. That is always a good place to start.
Do not undermine the biological parent
It can be tempting as a stepparent to try to be the perpetual good-guy. By this, I mean that you allow an extra helping of dessert after Dad has said no or allow an extra half hour before bedtime, in spite of the rules. This type of behavior is bribery at its core, and your stepparent/stepchild relationship will ultimately suffer for it. You will not always be able to be "good cop," and so later when the time comes that you reinforce your spouse or the child's other parent, you will be deemed as traitor and lose the trust of your stepchild.
You may think that your stepchild will like you better if you are fun or lax on the rules. This may be true on the surface, but the reality of the matter is that they will respect and respond to you better if you give them the opportunity to see you as part of the parenting team rather than a fun aunt or uncle who lets them get away with too much. Establish your identity as part of the parenting team and do not undermine it with your words or actions. They can't learn to respect you as a stepparent if they never see you in a parental role.
Of critical importance, too, is that you never "bash" their biological parent, or encourage them to do so. The bond between a parent and a child is sacred, and to encourage this kind of behavior will ultimately lead your stepchildren to feelings of guilt and shame over "betraying" their parent, and this will fall on your shoulders. It is okay for your stepchildren to be angry with their parents. Only automatons are free from this phenomenon. It is not, however, okay for you to fan the flames of that anger.
In our household, there is a common refrain in this instance. "It is okay for you to be mad at (whichever parent). We all get mad at each other sometimes, but it is not okay to be disrespectful." You may think you are establishing camaraderie by joining in when they are badmouthing a parent, but in fact you are only setting yourself up to be the bad guy. When they are no longer angry with their parent, your words will be fresh in their heads, and they will be upset over it.
If your stepchildren understand that you are not trying to replace their role – or their parents' roles – in the family dynamic, and they feel that having you in their lives enhances rather than detracts from the quality of their lives, chances are good you can stave off the day when you are suddenly "not real."
Unfortunately, that day will probably come anyway. Your best bet is to shield yourself with your step-parenting successes and take a deep breath. More than likely, your stepchild will feel bad or and even apologize for his uncharacteristic cruelty later on. He won't be able to unsay it, and you won't be able to unhear it … but with love, patience, and a solid foundation, you will both be able to move past it and have a stronger relationship in the end.
Mali Gank - Mali Gank
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